I Love you, I don't Like you
by Goodread17
Summary: Katniss knows she loves him now. He loves her, he doesn't like her though. He saw her for what she really was. A story of Katniss and Peeta growing back together. Rated M for later chapters
1. Chapter 1

Katniss P.O.V

I have been back in 12 for who knows how long. Time really has no meaning anymore. Prims gone, district 12 is basically gone, Peetas gone, Gale and my mother are gone by choice. Which is worse? I don't care to think about it. I sleep, although not really. Darkness brings out the nightmares and in the nightmares I see the faces of the people whose death I am almost solely responsible for. Sure some I didn't kill with my own hands but it was still by my actions. Actions I can never take back. Some I would, others I would have no problem doing again.

When I do decide that it is time to join the world of the living Greasy Sae has come and gone, always leaving food. Food really does nothing for me anymore. It used to mean so much, I was the one who provided it for my family after my father died and my mother checked out. It was me and me only who kept Prim and my mother alive. I failed at that completely. Prim is dead, my mother might as well be.

I eat only when it is necessary or when Haymitch decides to sober up and make me. Haymitch, my appointed caregiver after I finally snapped and killed the "wrong" president, if you ask me both she and Snow needed to die. I took care of two birds with one stone. I killed her, the crowd killed Snow after the panic I caused. Now, if only Peeta hadn't stopped me from ending it for myself all right there. I was inches away from a quick death. He took that from me, I blame him sometimes for the state that I am now in. If only his hand had not covered my access to the nightlock. He was a capital controlled killer programed to kill me yet he wouldn't let me do it. Why?

My days continue on with me sitting on a stool in the kitchen staring. At what I don't know, I just don't have the will to do anything else. I can't even remember the last time I talk. I have been talked at but I don't respond I just stare. When night falls Greasy return with dinner, she makes small talk while I stare. I can't seem to get away from the visions that haunt me at night. I guess the day is spent gearing up for the horrors that will greet me when my eyes close. Every day is like this, I wake up, I stare, I eat, maybe, I let the horrors consume me at night.

I wake up to screaming. It's not my own though, this time. It is a scream I have heard before, a deep guttural scream that immediately takes me back to 13 when he was staring at me screaming how I was a mutt and I killed his family. I go to my window and look out to see Haymitch running into his house. What is he doing here?

A million things run through my mind. I was not expecting this, I thought he was never coming back here. The Peeta I knew and who loved me was lost and gone forever, the capital made sure of that. Snow's final gift to me, taking the last thing in this world from me that would have made me truly happy.

How do I feel about this? For so long I denied my feelings for him. I had no idea what I was feeling though. Through the first games and the quarter quell I thought I was just trying to survive. Truth is I was but what I later came to understand in my days of staring and nothingness is that he is what I need to survive. Everyone needs a purpose and mine was, maybe still is Peeta. I tried to act like all those kisses, all those kind words I ever said to him were for the benefit for my survival in the games. They were and they weren't there was something more to it that I would never care to admit. Gale was right when he told Peeta I would choose who I could not survive without. He knows me so well. I cannot truly survive in a world where Peeta does not exist. As evidence by my way of living while he has been gone. That is why I wanted to end it all that day I killed Coin. I thought my Peeta was lost and gone forever, he was still there though in that moment he stopped me. He wanted me to live, even through the memory scrambled highjacking he still cared.

Now he's back. How do I continue living? He lays next door his screams have finally stopped. Will he want to see me? After what he was just screaming I am not sure. I need to see him though, whatever his condition may be. As I said before I need him to truly survive and be a whole person.


	2. Chapter 2

Peeta P.O.V

I return to district 12 after the doctor finished another evaluation of me and declares that I am finally stable enough to return to my life. What life would that be I would like to ask him? My family is all dead, my dad, my mom, my brothers. All were killed when 12 was destroyed, by Snow, not by Katniss as I had been trained to think by the capitol. The game I played while with the star squad real or not real is one that now I really only play in my head. I have spent months in the capitol going through extensive therapy and it seems to have payed off. I still have episodes, the kind where I have to lock myself in a room and hope my screams are not heard by anyone until I am able to pull myself out of it. When I do have those episodes all I want to do is kill her, I have the highjacked visions, wave upon, wave. There she is with Gale in a loving embrace telling him how she never loved me all she ever wanted was him, another of her blowing up my families bakery with my family in it just so I will finally leave her alone. The worst of all the visions is the one where she is coming towards me turning into a mutt and telling me how much she has always hated me. As she transforms she tells me how no one could ever love a cripple pathetic boy like me, she laughs at the thought of me confessing my love to her. She explains why she did and said the things she did in the area. It was all so she could come back to people who mattered to her, people with value. My life did not matter no one cares for me, I have no value. She has this sickening laugh as she is transforming it rings in my ears through the whole episode.

I am finally able to pull myself out of those episodes by thinking back to the times with her that I knew where real, the ones that weren't for the cameras they were just for us. When the train stopped on the way to the second games when she agreed to be friends and took my hand. The nights on the train when we held each other to keep away the horrors that were sure to engulf us. In the second arena when I died and came back to life, the look of sheer pain and agony in her eyes when she thought I had died cannot be something she could have faked. She is bad at lying and acting. The kiss on the beach, the one that had never happen before or happened since. That kiss betrayed her; it showed me what she really felt for me, the need, the wanting, and the desire.

Coming back to 12 only made sense. I know I love her, but I meant what I said when I told her she was a piece of work and that I really saw her for who she was. I don't like her I have discovered. Through all the therapy and re-watching of the games, as part of my therapy to help distinguish the real from not real memories from the games I see how she acts. Her actions where different from what I had imagined, I knew she didn't love me but I thought she may at least like me. She was concerned about her survival and her survival only, as was I. I was the selfless one she was the selfish one. I was okay with that, but what she did in the cave, that's what, got me. She was never a good actor but she fooled me there. Every kiss, every touch I thought was genuine. I guess that happens when you have been infatuated with someone for so long the hope that they may one day like you in return clouds your judgment. I don't think it's okay to play with someone's emotions like that; she did over and over again with no remorse. She was trying to survive I get it, but a least let me know if you are starting to feel anything for me at all. I don't like the feeling of confusion and she confuses me. I love her, but who she is as a person I don't like. I admire her tenacity, her ability to show strength even though she is weak, the way she acts towards those she loves, I got those acts a few times but I don't know what they meant when she was doing them to me. The way she cared for her sister, that love was so pure and unconditional. I was a little jealous of it; I never had that with anyone, not even with my feeling towards her. I could have had that kind of love for her, I still could, but maybe too much has happened, we both have seen and know too much.

The only person who knows I am back in 12 is Haymitch. He picked me up from the train station and we walked backed to my home in victor's village. "Well boy, if you need he holler, I am drinking a little less so I don't pass out as much. If you need me I'll do what I can." With that he's off, a statement like that coming from Haymitch means a lot. I thought the only thing that matter to him was his liquor; I guess he cares about more than just that.

I walk into my house and it smells musty. It's been months since I or anyone else has been here. The first thing I do after dropping my bags off in my room is open the windows. It's a beautiful spring night so there is a gentle breeze coming in. I go to the kitchen, I really need to order some supplies, and I literally have nothing here. Tomorrow I will ask Haymitch how to get supplies, I am not sure if they are coming in from the capitol or if there is something set up in town, although, I don't know if I am ready to go into town yet. It's pretty late so I decide to just call it a night, I can unpack in the morning, I am supposed to take thing slow anyway, according to the doctor.

Sleep does not come easily, when is does the dream starts out pleasant enough; I am wandering around victor village and make my way towards town. People are walking around talking and going about their daily work. The day is bright and cheerful. I reach the center of town and turn to go towards my family's bakery. Out of nowhere Katniss appears I walk towards her to say hi, she turns and I see it instantly that look in her eye. She is turning into a mutt, she is growing claws, and has something in her hand. I can't tell what it is but as I look from her to the bakery my family now looking out the window I realize to late what it is. With that sickening laugh she lets the thing in her hand fly, it hits the bakery and immediately it bursts into flames. I see the faces of my dad and brother as they burn to death, I hear the agony in their voices as the scream for help. She just stands there laughing. I try to stop her it's no use she has me pinned in a second and is forcing me to watch my family burn to death. She says to me "this is only the beginning; you will suffer so much more." I scream "I will make you pay, I will kill you, you mutt, you capitol mutt, you are a monster."

That's when I feel the cold water hit me, I shoot up immediately, looking to kill her, she must still be here. I look and all I see is Haymitch. He has his knife drawn in protection, I change my stance and with that he relaxes. "I said holler if you need me, I didn't mean like that," said Haymitch. "Sorry" I say. I explain to him the dream I was having and he nods in understanding. "Listen it will never be easy, take it day by day. If that doesn't work you can always take up drinking. It works for me." Haymitch has a point; I can't stand the taste of the stuff though so I don't think that's g


End file.
